The Road So Far: One Week Out

This time next week I’ll be on a plane to Las Vegas. For two very important reasons. One is an important event, something I’ve been planning for almost a year but didn’t even know I wanted a year ago. A TV show, a cast, and a fandom entered my life and helped me through a very  hard time, and honestly kept me going.

Now I realize I have my whole life ahead of me and am ready for the next chapter, which is the other reason. For me to get back to my city, to start making plans for my life in Vegas. I’ve realized it’s what I want more than anything and now I’m ready for it.

I feel so lucky to be able to conclude my first year in this fandom with such an amazing experience, to be able to see these actors in person and thank them for all they’ve done for me. And for all of it to happen in the city I want to make my home.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and Supernatural was supposed to enter my life at this time in my life and I was supposed to go to VegasCon. I feel like this is finally the time for things to work out for me. The road hasn’t been easy, but the easiest past is rarely the most enjoyable. And I plan on enjoying next weekend to the fullest, and everything else life has to bring me from here on out.

The Road So Far: Road Trip

Supernatural returned tonight and as of today it is officially 2 months until VegasCon!!! Tonight's episode was full of ups and downs for me. So I'm going to do things a little differently tonight.

Things I'm happy about: 

1. First and foremost my Sammy is back. Hallelujah. This is really all I need in life, the moment I saw Sam again my heart was filled with joy. And the way he ejected Gadreel. "I SAID GET THE HELL OUT." will go down in Supernatural history. It was amazing. 

2. The fact that Crowley seemed to actually care about Sam and Dean. He wouldn't have agreed to help if he didn't care about them deep down. And he certainly wouldn't have been telling Sam to fight so hard. There was emotion and feeling in that speech. I think Crowley is turning a new leaf. I think he's going to change. I say let him become a hunter with some demon comrades on his side. (And let my bitch Abaddon be queen!) 

3. That Cas stayed with Sam. I've thought Cas cared about Sam all along, but everyone always talks about how Cas only has a relationship with Dean. What he did tonight was proof he cared about Sam. 

Things I'm not happy about: 

1. Obviously Sam and Dean being apart. The image of Dean walking away will haunt me. This is the first time I've had to deal with them being separated and not knowing everything would turn out okay. I can't understand why Dean thinks it's best to leave Sam. It also REALLY concerned me what Sam said about Dean not being the problem. What does that mean? This will hurt until it's fixed. I need my boys together. Plain and simple.

2. That both Sam and Dean blame themselves for Kevin's death. I was so afraid of Sam's reaction to what happened but now I'm feeling pain for both of them. 

3. That Sam said he was "willing to die." The fact that he doesn't want to keep going. That still hurts so much. That he still has those feelings from the first episode. Sam has been through so much, lost so much. But he keeps going. I can relate to Sam in so many ways and he is my inspiration. I need him to keep fighting. I need him to get to a point in his life where he's happy. And I need Dean to be a part of that too. 

I'm in tears as I write this. I can't express the emotions I feel for these characters. They've given me something to hold on to, something to have hope for. I love them so much and I just want them to be happy. I want them to finally get to a place where they are bonded for good. I want them to realize they can't be apart. And I'm hoping that's what we accomplish this season. The good news is Hellatus is over and I only have to wait a week to find out what happens next. AND. 2. MONTHS. UNTIL. VEGASCON. 

The Road So Far: Season 9 Premiere

This was the first season premiere I watched live. I was nervous, anxious, and excited all at the same time. When Season 8 ended we knew things were not good, and the image of Sam lying in that hospital bed from the promo was haunting me. I knew it was going to be an intense episode, but I didn't know how intense. Within the first five minutes I am already in tears at Dean praying for Sam. I was very upset by the scenes inside Sam's head. I was rooting for the "Dean" part which was telling him to fight, and telling the "Bobby" part which was telling him to give up to stop. I was literally screaming at my TV.

Then Ezekiel came into the picture. At first I was grateful for him. I thought "okay, he can make it better." Meanwhile back in Sam's head Sam is saying he wants to die. He tells Death that if he dies he wants him to promise that it will be final. This is heartbreaking. Once again I am in tears and screaming at my TV "No Sam!". But I knew Dean wouldn't let that happen. Dean will always do whatever it takes to save Sam.

Ezekiel says he can save Sam from the inside out, meaning he will possess Sam. Again I'm screaming "no", because I didn't know what this would mean. Would Sam be gone forever? Would Sam be Ezekiel now? I didn't like that, I didn't want that. Then Ezekiel explained he would only stay until Sam was healed.

Then back in Sam's head Dean gave the "There ain't no me if there ain't no you." speech, which I truly do believe was Dean and then Ezekiel jumped in. Of course, Sam said "yes" to Ezekiel and he was out of the hospital, but as Ezekiel. I thought this was going to be like Souless Sam, that we would have Ezekiel for a while until Sam woke up. But then Sam woke up in the Impala. He didn't remember the hospital, he didn't remember the stuff inside his head, he didn't remember Ezekiel taking over.

I felt better knowing it would be Sam atleast part of the time. I still don't know how I feel about switching back and forth between Sam and Ezekiel, but the bottom line is I want Sam to get better. And if this is the way it has to happen, then I'm going to have to get on board.

For me this was definitely the most intense premiere ever. It really affected me. I know the road ahead of us is going to be rough. But I put myself through hell because I love these boys. And I'll stick with them until the end.